I discovered yesterday that I need the sun. I want to seen the sun. It's so strange, I suppose it’s just that I've lived for such a long time without that I'm starting to get some sort of deficiency. You know what I really miss? Sunbathing. Just lying in the sun and letting my skin burn under the warn glow, each cell of my body sucking up the photons and probably turning more cancerous by the second. But just being able to feel that warm glow on my bare arms… and the smell of grass all around me… haha, that's something I never thought I'll miss.
Well, I went to kimmel and sat in one of the sofas on the second floor that's right by the window and languished there for about three hours. Of course, I was never in direct sunlight, but just seeing the light of day after eight hours in the basement made me happy beyond my own wildest imagination. It was kind of amazing, to say the very least. In fact, I'm there again, Kimmel, I mean. I'm sitting in the third floor dining area, ears plugged into some french music.
I wonder if there is something wrong with me. I can't seem to love in the same way that many others seems to. I can't grow attached in the same way. I know I can obsess and I can want, but I don't think I can really love. I wonder what that really means. I guess I can be moved by a piece of music and love it in that way, in a way where I want to just melt into it. But is that what love is suppose to be like? In that case, I'm afraid that I may never truly feel like that… I've smelled certain scents that does the same think… or a painting, once a very long while… but never a person… beautiful writing does that too, now that I think of it. But people, what of people? Why can’t I feel the same toward people? And the once I did, it wasn't important enough to me for me to hold on to it. So in all senses, I really do not love and have not loved because if I had, I would have wanted it with me always, just as I would have wanted that particular piece of music… or scent or painting with me always.
I think I live in my own mind a little to much.
Marching Band of Manhattan, by Death Cab, just started playing and you know who I remembered? James. James from my internship over the summer. He would have graduated from college by now. I wonder what he's doing, if he's going on to grad school, taking a year off maybe? And I wonder if he and… Mina? Mimi? Mika? are going to get married… maybe they are engaged. I kind of miss him actually. How funny. If I could have had a brother, I think I would have liked him… or maybe my cousin M instead. God, I miss him. I wish I had more time with him… though I don't even really think about him anymore. I wonder what happened. I remember him telling me that we're closer than siblings and honestly, I would agree. We were like best friends for that one brief month or so. I don't think I've even had a girlfriend that close. That's funny, I seem to relate better to boys. Haha, that's so anti-me, with my early anti-men campaign. I wonder what the middle school me would have thought of me now… I think I would have been ashamed…that I gave up going to ivy league schools. But I guess it's true what they say, people change and with them, what they want. But do they really? I guess I still want that in some sense. Maybe I'm just losing sight of what I want. What's the difference? Is there a really difference or is it just a competition between old wants and new ones and the winner becomes the one justified?
The sun just came out. I can't feel the sun, but everything is all of a sudden brighter and ther is that bright glow on the sidewalk where the rays touched. I feel all thrilled all of a sudden. It's ridiculous. New York is beautiful again. I still miss Seattle though
When I was in Wisconsin with K, she, her sister and I went to meet up with some friends of theirs. You know what really freaked me out? They started talking about engagements. Engagements! They're barely older than me! It's ridiculous! I just don’t understand how they could be so sure that's what they want… or who they want! Perhaps that's something to be learned as you age… or maybe you'll know when you finally get there. Anyway. Scary topic… or maybe with my track record, I'm just a commitment-phobe.
You know, love is so rare that when someone thinks that there might be even the slightest chance that they finally found that one rare gem, it's worth throwing away the world for. Nothing mattered any longer, they cite destiny: the rarity means that they are meant to be together, destined to spend a life within one another's arms. How strange that we who value reason so abusolutely could even begin to have such blind faith is something so intangible. Yet then again, with most of our universe intangible to our senses anyway, perhaps blind faith is really the natural state of things...
