What really stands out is the inherent dark humor saturated throughout the post. The juxtaposition of the mundane and the humorous next to the idea of death is... well, eerily beautiful.
On December 25, 2007, at 3:00 AM, She wrote
Last Christmas eve, because it's the last, it is the last.
A while ago GeGe asked me how I passed Christmas Eve, how did I pass it? I went out in the afternoon, got another hundred or so sleeping pills.
If a person takes 300 sleeping pills, can survive 5 to 6 hours without first aid, that only proves that:
1. Fake drugs are everywhere and flourishing
2. Fully prove the theory that too much bad will turn to good
3. Invincibility against all poison is not only in novels
4. Miracle of modern science, rising from the dead
5. Curse of ten thousand years, even the god of underworld fears me.
Went to KFC at night, so many people. There was nowhere to sit, thought about it a bit and then ordered take out.
The street is full of couples and pairs, those left to themselves all scurried hurried past. I ate my candied Hawthorn slowly, I couldn't feel the cold, my hands froze without my awareness
Walked through the front door, turned on the light and looked at my watch: 7:45PM. Resumed watching my cartoon until now.
Nothing unexpected happened, a very peaceful Christmas Eve, my last Christmas Eve.
There was more, much more. Day after day she lived her life looking at the day that will come. The fact that she viewed the taking of her own life so calmly is terrifying... and it reminds me of those little dark spells when everything felt... pointless.
I feel a little pain growing in the spaces in my head, a little useless bit of sorrow. I hope her soul found peace.
As I would like to think of it:
"Those who are dead, are not dead, they are just living in my head"- Coldplay
That song, 42, got me through the passing of two of my friends and my grandfather within the past couple of years. It's the reason I can't bring myself to delete their number from my phone. They are simply alive in a different way now; in my head I am keeping them alive. Frozen, but alive.
I do have a bone to pick with the Chinese mental health authorities though. Jiang Yan attempted suicide, why was she released a day later? Others I know who attempted anything remotely similar were placed under constant surveillance in a psychiatric ward for weeks on end. Why was she left to herself? Perhaps her suicide cannot have been prevented as she was beyond determined... but I think it's arguably irresponsible of the medical authority at her hospital to release her so soon and with so little precaution.
After her death, Jiang's blog became public and the Chinese web public became enraged at what they saw as the cause of Jiang's death: her cheating husband and his girlfriend. In a fury of vigilante attacks, Beijing became nearly unlivable for the two. While there is no question that the behavior of Jiang's husband Wang Fei contributed significantly to the demise of his wife, the public retaliation seemed rather... well, excessive. Each of the vigilante took on an impersonal story personally and found it not only fitting, but necessary to react.
On whole, the public response seems to me a residual factor of the Cultural Revolution, during which private actions deemed "improper" or "detrimental to the collective good" are public reprimanded severely in mandatory meetings. It seems that Chinese people really managed to internalize this possessive attitude toward others' private actions, and feel a compulsion to punish amoral behavior of others as they see it as within their right.
So Chinese people cries for liberty and privacy against government intrusion, and yet its citizens have this intrusive attitude ingrained in their behavior, culture. I really recommend self inflection.
I would like to contrast that to the American indifference: burn the flag if you want, just don't do it on my lawn.
Of course, there are exceptions: Jessica Slaughter debacle. I would just like to say that I can see why she pissed so many people off. If I'm not such a Muggle, I would send her a Howler. However, the difference with Slaughter is that her actions are not intended to be private, for god's sake she posted it all over Youtube. Of course people will respond, the thing is practically a video forum.
Well, before I run off, I just want to say that I remember how it felt sitting in a small room in the winter, feeling helpless, hopeless. Even the things I love fade to this disinterested grey. Everything was covered in pain and the littlest thing was too much. Being alone hurt more than anything else, but the intrusion of company was too much for my brain to handle.
Everything hurt. I hope that if I ever meet someone who felt anything like that, I could help them somehow. The pain doesn't go away, but you can try drowning it out with life. It still hurts, but in a different way.
The best advice? Stop thinking.
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